No Man's Land

Friends + Family = Home

Let me start off this blog by saying: I have been blessed to have three homes and two families.   I've had the privilege of being a part of a family who did everything they can do to put three kids though a christian education from K-12 grade and then to see that we all made it through college.  After high school and community college, I was blessed enough to go to the University of Oregon to finish my Bachelor degree and to continue my education in Missouri for my Masters degree.  

2006-2008: I attended University of Oregon and it was great.  It provided me an opportunity that every young college adult wants. I was able to leave home and experience a new state and make new friends. I loved Oregon, made actually one of my best friends there.  I spent two years there and wouldn't take back any memories. However, Oregon it was never home; it was school.  California was home.  I would go back to California during summer, Christmas, and thanksgiving (sometimes) and spring break.  I would look forward to those breaks because I missed home and school was overwhelming.  I loved being home for those breaks, even though there were times that I wanted to go back to Oregon.  I enjoyed being home for the time being.  

2009-2011: I attended Missouri State in Springfield.  During this time, as most of you know, I stayed at the Lopez's house.  I loved it here; it was perfect.  It was the Italian home away from home.  There was Don and Margie (they acted like mom and dad), there was Brian and Dana and Steve and Nicole (which was like my brothers and sisters) so much that their kids actually call me Aunty Rachel.  It was perfect: they took that home sickness away that I had in Oregon during the small holidays.  I still went home to California for summer and some Christmases.  Being in California was again great; in my mind it was still home.  I couldn't believe that I actually had two homes. When I needed a "mom" to help me out with student teaching Margie and Don stepped in.  Of course mom helped by sending some things in the mail but Margie and Don helped me find an apartment by actually driving up there with me and walking through different houses and apartments and they helped me move in.  During graduation I was honored to have both families attend my graduation and I actually had two grad parties. I even had a great set of friends that made school bearable.  Having my EDHH girls also made Springfield feel more like home. 

2011- Current:  I moved to Sedalia, MO because I accepted my 1st teaching job.  Its during this time that I feel like I am in No Man's Land.  Sedalia is two and half hours from the Lopez; and most certainly miles away from California.   It's here in Sedalia that I have an apartment and yes it is still "home" but there isn't a homey quality here yet.  My classmates that I graduated with in 2011 are spread out all over the place, either of my families are not in arm's reach anymore.  I feel like I have tunnel vision and blinders on and at the end I can only see my Job.  I enjoy my job, but even that is a bit outside my true comfort zone.  There are moments when I feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water.  Its been a struggle being here, finding my place, feeling truly at home with myself, with my job and just all around.  

I feel like I am still clenching on to the feeling of California being home and Springfield being home.  In doing so I haven't been able to let go and feel at home in my new town; and it is starting to feel like my hand is getting burned.  I feel like I am doing more damage to myself without being able to let go.  Its been a year and there is a deep longing for those times when I can "go home."  I look around here in Sedalia and I see opportunity, a great opportunity for my career, however, its lacking connection and family. Springfield and California I see connection, I see family but whats missing there is the opportunity for a job.  I just feel like I am in No Man's land because there is something missing.  I am in a mental fog.  

As I started this blog by saying that I am truly blessed by all the amazing opportunity that I have been given as of so far.  However, I am having a hard time seeing past my tunnel vision and my blinders.  I dont really know why I am writing this blog.  I was driving home from St. Louis and this blog just came to me.  

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Did you learn any thing new about me?! Leave a comment.... that always makes me smile.