In the last few weeks, I have been spiritually challenged in a way that I have never thought I would. I have been more and more aware with each growing day that I have been falling ever so far from what I have learned and knew in Sunday School. I have always considered myself a Christian. It is all what I have ever known. I know all the famous bible stories and a few famous versus, but does that mean I am a Christian??? Well, I had a good foundation and I believed that Jesus Christ is the one true God and is the only way! However, I have been blind sided by the lack of faith I have had growing up during these past few weeks. There has been almost an ache of some sort that reminds me that I am so far from what God has called me to be and where I need to be. I have been playing back my childhood and noticed that most of my dependance has come from 1) my parents - for obvious reasons and 2) my friends - I have looked to my friends to "define" me, to tell me who I am and what I should do to be happy. I have noticed that I am like a chameleon. I change my attitude, my beliefs, my behaviors to fit the company I was with. I have gotten very good at this. I simply observed people and listened to them talk and knew what I need to do to get their approval of me. However, in the last year or so I have been confronted with things that would bother me. I noticed that I would get truly upset in private about certain things when I thought about them. However, in public it those certain things wouldn't bother me. I started to think.... Did I get so used to adapting my behavior to fit whatever company around that I did it without even thinking about it? I had to, because in private when I could truly be myself, those same issue would make my blood boil! I would become furious at myself! With all this thinking that was happening intermittently behind the scenes, I didn't really pay much attention with what was actually going on.
I normally wake up and spend about 30 minutes of my day reading a devotional, and a chapter or two in the bible. Thinking about that I needed to really start being more dedicated in doing devotionals. I noticed that I was so refreshed in the morning! I would have GREAT start of the day at work, with christian radio playing worship music all day. However, about mid day I would start to feel my high slowly start to drain. My attention became less and less on God and my behavior started to adapt once again to the present company and I noticed that I was being emotionally and spiritually pulled down. I have been fighting the fact that all my praying, devotions and bible reading was making me feel less and less perfect. I couldn't do everything perfectly. The mere thought of doing all what I am called to do perfectly was making me exhausted. I felt more and more like a failure in my christian walk then I have ever felt before.
I had a book sitting on my kitchen table for quite a while now, maybe about a month. I wanted to read it (thats why it was out) but I was in the middle of two other books. However, I finished those books earlier this week. So today I thought, "Sweet, I cant wait to read this book." This book is called, "World View: Learning to think and live biblically" by Greg Laurie. I have been listening to Greg in the mornings as I get ready for work. He was advertised this book before and I have always thought, "Huh?! I think I have a biblical worldview." Anyways, I started to read it today. Well, guess what chapter one: Absolute truth had already challenged me. It started off stating that absolute truth exists in this world whether you like it or not and that as a True Christian or as a Follower of Christ you need to have absolute truths in your life and you need to believe that the word of God is the absolute truth. So, far I was agreeing with it. Nothing was challenging me as of yet! HAHAHA. Well, it continues to talk about the 10 commandants. It states that these commandants are God rules of how to follow him!
The first chapter covers the first commandant in much detail: "You should have no other Gods before me." As I was reading a lot of the information in the chapter I have heard before. Nothing new, after all I have been in church all my life. However, there was a little voice that kept bugging me. It was saying, "Sure Rachel you don't worship any other gods, like other religions, but am I the one person who you live for?!" WOW!!! OUCH!!! I heard myself say, "No, not really, I am constantly changing or adapting my behaviors and my mindset for the friends or people in my life." :-/ Wow that wasn't what I was hoping I would say back. So, chapter one challenged me for today, for this week and really for life. I am blogging this so I can 1) be public about it and 2) people can hold me accountable. I know myself, If I don't make it public and have people to hold me accountable I will adapt once again slowly and not be truly mindful about this challenge.
CHALLENGE: NOT TO LET FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR ANY ONE ELSE TO DISTRACT ME FROM WHAT I KNOW I NEED TO DO. NOT TO LET THEM DEFINE ME OR TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR SO THEY CAN BE HAPPY AND ACCEPT ME! I am tired of waiting for people to define me cause each time they do I lose a little bit more of me! Right now, I need to find me more than I need to find anyone else or anything else. I can only find me in the one who person who made me, ME! So, as I take a step back and refocus my eyes on the Lord and how me sees me. My hope is that I will find a stronger and more vocal Rachel inside me. I need to not let others dictate what they see in me.
I leave you with this verse: "He who loves their father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves their son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 10:37-39)
So Lord, help me to put you first above everyone else. Define me and make me the person who you created me to be! Give me the words to find my voice and stand up for you and what is right. I know that I cant be good enough for you by myself. I need you to let you COMPLETELY change me inside and out so that I have the desire to obey your commands and your words. I don't want an "iGod" where I can personalize you in a way that fits my needs. I want a GOD who can personalize and change me in the way that I was created to be. I thank you for everything you've done for me.
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Did you learn any thing new about me?! Leave a comment.... that always makes me smile.
About Me
- Rachel Herrera
- My name is Rachel, I have two silly sibling, one older sister and one younger brother. I have graduated from University of Oregon with my BA in commicative disorder and I have graduated from Missouri State Unierstity with my Masters in Deaf and Hard of Hearing. Currently, I am a Deaf Ed teacher in Missouri. I am enjoying the ups and downs of teaching.
Great Post Rachel...I pray that your relationship with the Lord continues to blossom and I hope that you find your voice and STAND for what is right!
ReplyDeleteLove Ya!
Rachel,If I've told you once I've told you twice. You are an amazing young woman who inspires me! Your vulnerability to share your truth will serve as a conduit by which God will breathe His truth into others! Being vulnerable is a risk. Speaking your truth is more of a risk. But those who risk it all for JESUS will be blessed darling. Sounds as if you have come to a place in your life where you are ready to take on FAITH as your own, not your parents or your friends. This is an exciting time. Embrace it to the fullest! As humans, we will never be good enough.However, We will be transformed along our journey to mirror the image of God. But true perfection is reserved for our SAVIOR! That's why it's so important for us to point people to HIM, not us. We will fail,and have to get back up. It's in the getting up that our roots of FAITH grow deeper. When they grow deeper or stance is stronger,taller,more firm. Firm so we will waiver less in the company of others who test our faith. We learn to take a stand in those moments and sometimes we learn that that's the company we no longer fit into because we are allowing ourselves to be transformed. You will become more comfortable walking away from things that don't fall in line with the Bibles teaching. Don't forget to forgive yourself and show yourself grace when you miss the mark. Forgiveness of self and others is what will keep you from getting stuck so you can keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteJust so happens I read that same scripture in Matthew this morning. But before I read it, I read in my study Bible these words, "just read it. Don't try and change it." I think we are tempted to change scripture to make us feel more comfortable. I know I have been.
My daughter said, "a Biblical world view is the Happiest point of view ever! That's because it has the best possible ending for those of us who live for JESUS!"
I love you. Keep Seeking! God has so much for you Rachel. You are in the perfect place to experience Him because you are allowing HIM to mold you. God bless you. And keep sharing. I benefit! :)
Dani you are so encouraging to me. Thanks for your kind and uplifting words. I like when you say to "forgive yourself and show yourself grace" I can sometimes feel like I have to get it right the first time and it is so frustrating and disappointing when I dont.
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