"Isnt it great being home?!"

I have been home for a little over 3 months.  During these three months, I have been asked. "How is it being home?"  "Isnt it nice being back with family?"  "Do you miss Missouri?"  "Did you miss home?"  I have answered them with a "oh yeah things are going well."  but honestly that is my fake answer, so here is the naked honest truth to those questions.  

First of all, Making the decision was the hardest decision I had to do.  I had been in Missouri for 4 years and I had family out there, I had a job out there and friends were slowly starting to be cultivated.  As most of you guys know, I went out to Missouri for grad school. I did 2 years at school and I stayed with The Lopez family, which started as close family friends but they quickly turned into MY FAMILY.  I am so blessed for them.  Words cannot express how much they mean to me.  They will never fully understand how much they mean to me.  I felt like I honestly have inherited TWO more sisters, TWO more brothers, TWO sets of parents, and that I am already an Auntie to 3 beautiful sweet girls and 1 handsome precious little boy.  They are mine as much as my biological niece/nephew will be.  After graduating from school, I was offered a job in Sedalia Missouri.  Which was 2 hours from Springfield, I was nervous taking that job.  Alot of people supported me taking that job, Mom, if you remember put a poll on facebook about it.  I took it, I was scared to death, nervous about having a big girl job but was excited by the chapter ahead.  That first year of teaching was an EYE OPENER.  I was spending 12+ hours at work.  I was over worked, tired, defeated and overwhelmed.  I remember my mentor coming in my classroom on a Friday 5:00pm to see how everything was going.  I guess I told her that I had been there since 5:00am that morning, because the next thing she did was told me that I need to leave that minute and not come back in till Monday morning.  She knew I needed a break and I love her for that too. It took about until Christmas break for me to start liking teaching.  I still had moments and those moments continued through the 2nd year.  That first year, I still was driving down to see my family almost every weekend.  So, I was happy, filled emotionally, and was able to get through the next week.  The second year, things started to change more for me.  Work was going well, I kinda had an idea of what was happening but I remember starting off the school year emotionally, mentally and physically tired already. I didnt like that.  I started to complain to my friends a little bit more, I could feel myself pull back a little bit more.  I was trying to be good and not waste gas to drive down to Springfield that often, which put me in my apt more.  My close friends started to worry about me more and more.  When I would go to Springfield, the drive I would be in tears most of the way.  I started to Miss EVERYONE.  I felt like I was away from my Missouri Family and my California Family.  I felt like I worked all day and went home to an empty apt and that started to take a toll on me,

The decision of renewing my contract came.  I was torn: Saying No, I was not renewing meant I would leave Missouri.  Which meant I had to leave my Job, my family; but it meant that I was going home to California- and I had family there... the job would come right?  Saying Yes, that I would stay meant I was staying-no California family.  I been away for 4 years already though, but I did miss them.  However, I didnt know if I could do another year being so drained so much. I was now sleeping 12 hours a day if not longer.  I couldnt stay awake.  I would crash at 4:00/5:00 some days I didnt even eat dinner.  So moving to California started to look more appealing.  Well, It was still a hard decision.  I finally made it and move back to California.

I have been here for 3 months like I said earlier and I am having a hard time adjusting.  Yes, It is exciting to be home with family and new things are happening everyday.  Its nice to have my car and be able to drive it around but now I long for Missouri and the company there.  I am home but I am still home sick.  I miss my sisters who I could talk to about anything.  I miss my brothers, I love their hugs.  They both have such big hugs.  I remember the day I was leaving, with tears in my eyes, they wrapped me in the BIGGEST hug and didnt let go.  I remember one of them whispering,"You can always come back.  We wont forget you."  I miss those little smiles and those little voices that said, "Auntie Rachel, watch me." The job hunt is HARD... I feel like I am grasping at straws.  My certification isnt processing as nicely as I would like it.  It is still "pending", I found I have to go back to school and take 4 more classes at $525 a class to get my English as a 2nd language authorization.  The other avenues that so many people want me to go down are not easy avenues either.  All of them require hours of research, hours of hands on experiences, fees, authorizations ect and to top it off its not where my heart is. MY HEART EDUCATING CHILDREN WHO ARE DEAF AND HARD OF HEARING . Dont take me wrong, I will pursue other avenues.  Yes, I am a little slow at getting on them because I feel like I am still mourning my dream job.

To add to everything, today was the first day of school in Sedalia and I feel like I missed out on that.  I wish my teachers, interpreters, and administer friends GOOD LUCK.  They were on my mind all day, I was sending good, nerve free thoughts (although I know that not true).  I am sad cause I am missing working with some AWESOME general ed teachers this year.  Dont worry, you will be great with my kids.

So, to honestly answer these questions:

"How is it being home?"

• It is hard, harder than I expected.  Still trying to get adjusted but I am having a hard time.  

"Isnt it nice being back with family?"

• Yes, it is nice alot of things are happening but it can be hard.  I did send 4 years away and I have learned to do things without having to run it by another person.  So, forgive me if I jump on you too fast.  

"Do you miss Missouri?"

• With every fiber of my being!!! I would fly back in a heart beat if I could.  I would fly back for an hour, a dinner party, a hug, a school play, a birthday, name it I am there.  If I was rich and had my own jet.  You bet I would.  

"Did you miss home?"

• Yes, I did but that doesnt mean I dont miss my life there or that I am not having a good time now.  It just means that I am home but I am still home sick.  

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