"Isnt it great being home?!"

I have been home for a little over 3 months.  During these three months, I have been asked. "How is it being home?"  "Isnt it nice being back with family?"  "Do you miss Missouri?"  "Did you miss home?"  I have answered them with a "oh yeah things are going well."  but honestly that is my fake answer, so here is the naked honest truth to those questions.  

First of all, Making the decision was the hardest decision I had to do.  I had been in Missouri for 4 years and I had family out there, I had a job out there and friends were slowly starting to be cultivated.  As most of you guys know, I went out to Missouri for grad school. I did 2 years at school and I stayed with The Lopez family, which started as close family friends but they quickly turned into MY FAMILY.  I am so blessed for them.  Words cannot express how much they mean to me.  They will never fully understand how much they mean to me.  I felt like I honestly have inherited TWO more sisters, TWO more brothers, TWO sets of parents, and that I am already an Auntie to 3 beautiful sweet girls and 1 handsome precious little boy.  They are mine as much as my biological niece/nephew will be.  After graduating from school, I was offered a job in Sedalia Missouri.  Which was 2 hours from Springfield, I was nervous taking that job.  Alot of people supported me taking that job, Mom, if you remember put a poll on facebook about it.  I took it, I was scared to death, nervous about having a big girl job but was excited by the chapter ahead.  That first year of teaching was an EYE OPENER.  I was spending 12+ hours at work.  I was over worked, tired, defeated and overwhelmed.  I remember my mentor coming in my classroom on a Friday 5:00pm to see how everything was going.  I guess I told her that I had been there since 5:00am that morning, because the next thing she did was told me that I need to leave that minute and not come back in till Monday morning.  She knew I needed a break and I love her for that too. It took about until Christmas break for me to start liking teaching.  I still had moments and those moments continued through the 2nd year.  That first year, I still was driving down to see my family almost every weekend.  So, I was happy, filled emotionally, and was able to get through the next week.  The second year, things started to change more for me.  Work was going well, I kinda had an idea of what was happening but I remember starting off the school year emotionally, mentally and physically tired already. I didnt like that.  I started to complain to my friends a little bit more, I could feel myself pull back a little bit more.  I was trying to be good and not waste gas to drive down to Springfield that often, which put me in my apt more.  My close friends started to worry about me more and more.  When I would go to Springfield, the drive I would be in tears most of the way.  I started to Miss EVERYONE.  I felt like I was away from my Missouri Family and my California Family.  I felt like I worked all day and went home to an empty apt and that started to take a toll on me,

The decision of renewing my contract came.  I was torn: Saying No, I was not renewing meant I would leave Missouri.  Which meant I had to leave my Job, my family; but it meant that I was going home to California- and I had family there... the job would come right?  Saying Yes, that I would stay meant I was staying-no California family.  I been away for 4 years already though, but I did miss them.  However, I didnt know if I could do another year being so drained so much. I was now sleeping 12 hours a day if not longer.  I couldnt stay awake.  I would crash at 4:00/5:00 some days I didnt even eat dinner.  So moving to California started to look more appealing.  Well, It was still a hard decision.  I finally made it and move back to California.

I have been here for 3 months like I said earlier and I am having a hard time adjusting.  Yes, It is exciting to be home with family and new things are happening everyday.  Its nice to have my car and be able to drive it around but now I long for Missouri and the company there.  I am home but I am still home sick.  I miss my sisters who I could talk to about anything.  I miss my brothers, I love their hugs.  They both have such big hugs.  I remember the day I was leaving, with tears in my eyes, they wrapped me in the BIGGEST hug and didnt let go.  I remember one of them whispering,"You can always come back.  We wont forget you."  I miss those little smiles and those little voices that said, "Auntie Rachel, watch me." The job hunt is HARD... I feel like I am grasping at straws.  My certification isnt processing as nicely as I would like it.  It is still "pending", I found I have to go back to school and take 4 more classes at $525 a class to get my English as a 2nd language authorization.  The other avenues that so many people want me to go down are not easy avenues either.  All of them require hours of research, hours of hands on experiences, fees, authorizations ect and to top it off its not where my heart is. MY HEART EDUCATING CHILDREN WHO ARE DEAF AND HARD OF HEARING . Dont take me wrong, I will pursue other avenues.  Yes, I am a little slow at getting on them because I feel like I am still mourning my dream job.

To add to everything, today was the first day of school in Sedalia and I feel like I missed out on that.  I wish my teachers, interpreters, and administer friends GOOD LUCK.  They were on my mind all day, I was sending good, nerve free thoughts (although I know that not true).  I am sad cause I am missing working with some AWESOME general ed teachers this year.  Dont worry, you will be great with my kids.

So, to honestly answer these questions:

"How is it being home?"

• It is hard, harder than I expected.  Still trying to get adjusted but I am having a hard time.  

"Isnt it nice being back with family?"

• Yes, it is nice alot of things are happening but it can be hard.  I did send 4 years away and I have learned to do things without having to run it by another person.  So, forgive me if I jump on you too fast.  

"Do you miss Missouri?"

• With every fiber of my being!!! I would fly back in a heart beat if I could.  I would fly back for an hour, a dinner party, a hug, a school play, a birthday, name it I am there.  If I was rich and had my own jet.  You bet I would.  

"Did you miss home?"

• Yes, I did but that doesnt mean I dont miss my life there or that I am not having a good time now.  It just means that I am home but I am still home sick.  

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Faith Workout

A lot of us know how to workout our bodies.  We get a lot of information from TV, magazines, books and even friends.  We can almost call us "pros" and knowing what we should do in working out but I dont know about you but I don't like working out.  Each week I re-commit myself to go to the gym 5 days a week and really on a good week I'll make it to the gym 3 days a week (if I am lucky).  I know I have to work out to get the body I want.  To get that, oh so desired, flat stomach, toned arms and legs and a butt that can bounce a quarter off of.  Working out hurts all over, NO MATTER WHAT I DO.

However, do you know how to workout your faith.  One of the devotions, I read this month was called "Building You Faith Muscle"  when I read that I was intrigued and totally thought: "Yes, that is what I need to do right now" The devotion talks about that just how we exercise we put tension on our muscles so we can get strong; we need to workout our faith muscle.  It went on saying that difficulty brings tension and its during those times when our faith gets stronger.  It ends with a scripture and a prayer.

• "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
• The prayer: "Lord, help me to change the pattern of using my limited strength in trying to eliminate the difficulties and suffering in my life, and turn it over to you to build up my faith muscle.  You are my strength.  Thank you for using those hardship to increase my faith in you."

This last nine months, I have been mauling over the idea of moving back to California.  The idea started back when I moved back for the summer.  I was in charged of the summer school for the whole district.  I was disappointed that I had to end my summer a whole month early.  It started in July and went for 3 weeks and school started just shortly after that.  I struggled this year mentally, spiritually and physically with keeping up at school. Don't get me wrong! I love my school, my students and my coworkers.  Somehow, my eyes were constantly filled with tears and I was finding myself lacking motivation in everything.  I found myself craving my family in Springfield and everything little break I flew home.  I couldnt get home fast enough.  Then at Christmas time, I wanted to run home to California.  I was able to come home for christmas and enjoyed every moment.  However, I was incredibly sad when I had to come back from California.

As soon as I came back from Christmas, I started to really forcing myself to decide.  My "lovely" type A personally made a pros and cons list: pros and Cons for staying in MO and pros and cons for heading back home to CA.  I gathered advice from various people about staying and just trying to get back to a healthy state of myself.  It has been two years that I have truly felt complete.

However, this decision took a toll on me.  Once I decided to come home to CA there was something that made me change it back to just stay in Sedalia and visa versa.  It would happen almost hourly everyday.  I would text my mom every time I would swing the other way.  I am sure I drove her crazy. It was hard.  To the point where the moment I had to indicate my decision on January 25, 2013-I still felt like I needed more time.  I ended up giving my notice and saying that I wouldn't return back next year.

However, if i thought I had a faith workout already--I think that was just the warm up.  There is so much more that I am walking into that I dont know about moving home.  There is the job aspect-I have applied to many and I am hopeful on a few but no one has really given me a 100% positive thumb up.  There is the aspect of being home after 4 years of being away.  My parents have assured me that it wont be a problem, it still makes me nervous.  I am happy to be home with family I have missed them a lot.  I will miss being my MO family.  My mom told me "What decision would have make if there was no fear?"And honestly it is coming back home.  Again with my "lovely" type A personality I want to know what is next and what will happen before I make my decision.

I am starting to learn that if I do that I will have a very weak faith muscle.  I started this blog saying that I dont like to workout and really dont like working out my faith muscle.  After all we all know that God's timing is not our timing.  Oh Wow,  I am getting my work out but I know I have to do this so I can have a strong faith muscle this way I can teach my children how to have one as well.

Waiting for those "brighter days" and a "strong faith muscle"

Love that fact that no matter what we are not too far from God's reach

So, Lord!  Let's do this!! I don't like being in the gym but I would rather have you for my trainer than anyone else.  I leave you again with a few songs and a challenge.  "Have you gotten your Faith workout?"

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A Short Short Break

The Summer is coming to a end pretty pretty fast. Summer school ended at the end of july and I flew straight home. I was not feeling school at all this summer it was very very hard to focus so needless to say when it was over I got the HELL out of there and flew home.

I surprise my family becuase I knew I was only staying for two-n-half weeks. Everyone thought I was coming home on saturday, July 31 but I had enough of school and decided to fly back a few days eariler, July 29. It was fun surprising everyone.

The first week of being home, we went staight to work with getting all the details ready for Crystal's Shower. So we drove all over the South Bay it seems planning the prizes and games for 85 people. On Aug 7, we were all ready to go. We had a farily early day and heading to the chessecake factory and got to setting up the room with everything. People started to show up at about 10:30 (the early Italians) and the shower started. There was good food, games, laughter, prizes and the gifts. It was great, everyone had a great time.

The second week was dedicated to my friends. When mom found out that I was only here for a few weeks she facebooked everyone so they can schedule me in. LOL.. Well thats what everyone did. One day was for Lena, one day was for Kevin, one day was for all my appointments, one day was a wedding and the last two days was for whatever. Whether that was going to crystal's and geoff's house and decorating, being home and relaxing or a drop by friend. Whatever happened that day. It was fun, the days with the friends was nice an relaxing, and the wedding was great. CONGRATS ANGELA AND JONATHAN!

The last few days are mostly for getting ready to go back to Missouri both mentally, and physically. I am so not ready for school, I dont know what happened during the summer months but I am totally burnt out. Even thou my head wasnt really in it this summer, I thought I gave it all I got, however, once I got home I got an email from my teacher that she wanted to meet me over my grade (thats NEVER NEVER GOOD). So I pushed pasted it during the break because I didnt want it to affect my summer but now that summer is over I am getting very nervous and scared to meet with my teacher.

Anyways... It was a great short summer break. I head back on tuesday Aug 17 mid morning. ;( I am excited to go back to see all my friends and family back in Missouri but I am DREADING school.

Thats what happened during the summer.

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Shadows of the past that still affects the future

This blog is different kinds of poems that I wrote years ago that I forgot about it. Today, I was talking to a friend and complaining and she encouraged me to stand firm.. As I was talking to her, I was reminded of these poems that I wrote. So I looked them up because I need to hear them again; so I am blogging these poems so I can reread them time and time again.. So people can hear my voice instead of being snuffed out and having them on a external hard drive put away in a drawer.

LOST!!

I lost my best friend.

I have search high and low,

Here and there,

And still there is no sign of him.

With every passing day,

I hope, I wish

That he’ll come back.

I lost my spirit

I have search high and low,

Here and there,

And still there is no sign of it.

He took my spirit with him.

I want both of them back.

With every passing day,

I lose more hope of finding them.

Should I give up for good?

Restart my life, and forget about them?

But that doesn't seem right.

Can I live without them?

I NEED TO!

July 22, 2005

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Memories!

By Rachel Canty

Most of my memories include you

Middle school memories:

From the time we meet

To eight grade graduation.

Then

High school memories:

From the dances

To the games

All the way till we walked down the aisle.

My memories also include

Our birthdays, holidays and family get-together.

Now it is time for me

To put those memories in a box

And seal it up.

Now it is time for me

To make new memories

Memories with other people

And not with you.

Now it is time to say

Goodbye,

Farewell,

Now you are

JUST A MEMORY!

March 5, 2006

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In this poem search, I found 9 poems that have a similar theme. A theme of moving on and letting go of the past.. Instead of boring my 5 readers to death with all of these sad, pathetic poems.. I only posted two: two of my favorites; the ones I thought summarized the 7 others. LOL..

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GoodBye, I'll Miss you friend

If something is eating you up on the inside, do you express youself knowing that the outcome will end a friendship? or do you keep in and become a shell of a person and resent the other person? Well I found myself in this situation and unfortunally I choose for first one. After 1o years I decided that enough was enough and I didnt like that I was watching my friend go down a road I didnt believe in. I was selffish and I shouldnt of opened my mouth. He posted a blog about it and he was talking about reprecussions of his decision and he said "I lost a friend of 10 years but I get 100 more." WOW.. that was a blow.. Despite that.. He was a good guy. I am gonna miss him.. Time to wipe the tears away and move on.. It will take some time though

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Deer caught in the headlights!

It is a dark road and a car in driving around the corner just a little bit fast! Suddenly, a deer jumps out in the road and stops suddenly in the middle of the road! The deer has two options 1) run back to where it is familiar and safe or 2) run ahead where it is unfamiliar and unknown.  

At times it seems like I am the deer, and life is the car. Life is whirling down the street and is head towards me and I have to move before I get hit! I want to run straight ahead, it is exciting and new.  However, running back is familiar, safe.

Ahead is life at Missouri State.  I find it a bit hilarious that when people find out where I am going to grad school their first words are: "Missouri, why there? Nothing is out there!" you know that might be true.. but you know whats out there for me.. is opportunity! Missouri attracts me because it is NOT CALIFORNIA. (Sad, I know) but it is true.  

California is where I grew up.. My family is here, friends are here, my whole life WAS here. However, I have out grown california.. Ever since I moved to Oregon, I have never looked at california the same.  There are times when I feel like I am a dog, tied up to a fence in the front yard.  And, I am trying to get something that is just a bit out of reach and I run towards it only to be snatched back.  

The only reason that I want to stay in california is because of my sister's wedding.. I want to be involved in the planing.. other than that.. every bone in my body is aching to get out!

I have to admit, I do feel pretty bad saying that I dont want to stay at home and that I am starting to feel like I am chained to it.  When I look around and I see nothing here... there is nothing that is calling me to stay! Thats not to say, I wont miss everyone!

August 20, 2009 is when I officially will leap forward to the unknown.  It is when the deer finds out new and exciting things to do with her life.  Two full years, it a long time for certain things to come in to play.  

Bring it on Missouri: New friends, New school, New place to live! 

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Plan ABCDEFG... ?? Who has that many plans?

Almost a year later after receiving my BA, is life where I wanted it to be?? Far from it in a way....

It started in beginning of Senior Year (of college that is, 2008). I was gonna apply for my masters, finish my BA degree and then get an apartment and go straight into my masters, after all I was a shoo in.. I had two degrees and I was fluent in Sign Language! Plan A

I soon realized that plan a was not for me! I graduated and had a party, right at the peek of it all I was asked the question, "WHATS NEXT?!" oh crap!!! I forgot to have a plan b... As I quickly, BSed my way through Plan B... which was... Get a job at a school district then get my masters!

Sounded like a great plan b right! Came to realized that I didnt make the cut! I needed my masters for that plan to work! SO....WHATS NEXT?! I for sure didnt have a plan c.. I didnt think I was gonna get rejected twice! So... I decided I needed a Plan C, which was to go to school... take a few classes that I have always wanted to take, study for my GEDs and get my masters!

Oh yea! Did I tell you that I was burnt out of going to school?! I didnt want to study, read or even pay attention! plan c was getting further and further away from my check off list! However, I finished that semester off! Christmas break was here! okay, thats great! but WHAT NEXT when thats over?! So, I went to my parents and asked them that same question that I asked myself, whats next?! It was in union, "Take 12 units of classes!" I thought to myself "again! I dont want to" As I was about to take the walk ashamed with my tail between my legs. As our good friend Esther, who just got this great job, decided to share the info with me! Plan D was here to save my life! YEAH!

I called first steps for kids and they informed to call back in a few weeks! Okay, I thought, I can do that! Did that... got the interview.. it went very well! Came back fully committed to plan d! On the parent front, I hit some muddy waters! What happens if I miss read all the signals and I was wrong and I wasnt gonna get the job (it wasnt 100% confirmed yet) go back to school "just in case" okay... I signed up for my classes and even started them! First Steps got back to me and it was 100% YES!!! YEAH!! SO NOW WHAT?! drop all my classes and be part-time with no health insurance? or have a full load and a job? then I will be burnt out! So, I opted for dropping all my classes calling this Plan E

In the meantime of all these plans, I still had my hopes on my masters! So, I applied to Missouri State and Redlands! My hopes were high! Someone had to see potential in me and accept me! I had TWO DEGREES! one is sign language and one is speech and my background was with kids!!! I had to jump off the page, right?!

Now... I am working waiting to hear from these schools! Redlands came back first, REJECTED! awe crap! but I still have one more out!! "please please! Come on!" Missouri came back REJECTED!! awe S***! there goes my Plan F so I continued with my job!

A few weeks later the dean of Missouri called me saying, that my application stood out and he wanted to pass my application over to deaf and hard of hearing program! "Finally! I stood out to someone!" however, by now I had so many rejections over the last year (master from 2008, school districts and master from 2009) I had a low low expectation of this one working! I told the dean, "sure, why not?!" I mean whats the worst that can happen, I dont get in (AGAIN!) big deal!

So about a week past and the mail came! Oh no! I thought as I stared at the envelope "Missouri State University!" I know I didnt get in! Come on... I havent been successful for a whole year it wont start now... I just got a job!! I opened the envelope! "CONGRATULATIONS, welcome to Missouri State University Deaf and Hard of Hearing Program!" I had to of pinch myself! I couldnt believe it! I got in! How?!

After 6 plans, I got in! I got in to a masters program! I really gave up that dream around plan d and now it is here PLAN G! A Master's Program!

It is a dream?! Can I really get my Masters??

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School vs. Work...AHHHH!!!

Most of you know that I graduated in June 2008.  While that is great news on the other hand it kind of sucks because that means have to a) go to grad school or b) get a job. My ideal plan was to go straight to grad school.  That plan was a bust from the start, which left me with plan b...which was fine with me.. so the summer after my graduation I called up 3 school districts so I can get a job as a speech pathologist.  All of them said that they were short staff and that they would love to hire me once I got my Masters.  So... now I am screwed both of my plans were shot down...so I thought that I would go back to El Camino and take fun classes to stay on insurance (you know the classes that you always wanted to take but never got a chance to) so I did that.  However, I guess I failed my basic math class because I was only taking 9 units and not 12 units so I was knock off of my insurance anyways.. :( but I took the classes anyways.. I enjoyed them. 

The semester ended and I was again faced with choices a) get a full time job or b) go back to El Camino.  Even thou, I enjoyed my classes last semester, I didnt want to go to school.. My mentality was I just graduated I want time off and I dont want to be burned out before I get in to my master's program (during the first semester I applied to Redlands and Missouri State for their master's program) I thought it was reasonable and most of my friends and my sister agreed with that, but finding a full time job in this economy got me very very worried.. so I went out again in search for a job... I called a few business, just to find out that they would never call me back again during this time I did call first steps which I was told that they aren't hiring in January but will be in February. (which I did call them back and got an interview, see last blog).

So, I signed up for classes for El Camino, Spring semester.  As I did that, I continue to complain to my sister that I didnt want to start classes... my sister reported that little fact to my mom which agreed with us.. However, if I didnt go to school or get that full time job I couldnt get my insurance...Thats a problem... 

As January was ending and February was just around the corner, the desire of not going to school was getting stronger and stronger.. Mom said "its okay dont go to school." Dad said,"go to school and get insurance" Inflicting messages... Left me confused and wanting to just give up on the whole topic.. "The sleep in til noon and hope that a full time job would just fall in my lap" kind of thing..

Last friday, I got the interview at first steps (for more details see previous blog) it went well but the results are unknown.  I rearranged my school schedule to get out before 12:00 so I can work from 1:00-6:00, Just in case. ;) However, I wont know the official results for another week/week in a half..

Today, Monday February 16: Presidents Day.. One day before school officially starts.. I asked mom the question again. "Mom, considering school starts tomorrow, am I going or not?" As I was cleaning up breakfast, mom began her motherly duty and discussed it with dad. They came up with the decision that I didnt have to go to school as long as I was productive with the next step in life.. I could work on these things: 1) study for my GREs 2) Look in to getting my teaching credentials 3) Study for my interpreter certification in sign language.  FINE! I bit ticked off because neither of these three options werent easy.. they all require MAJOR leg work.  I wasnt happy to say the least.  

After a shower and a "Discussion" where I did the talking to my mom about what I feel about the three options, I decided to prove my parents wrong and that it wasnt easy as 1-2-3.  I got out my old computer so I can boot it up and study for my GREs went in to the kitchen and got to work.  As my old computer booted up I went online to search for information about teaching credentials.. call biola to get information.. was transfered through four different people just to leave a message.  GRR.. My old computer took two hours to boot up.. after that.. I had dad answer some questions on the GREs to see if he can get and understand the questions... BEHOLD he was failing.. he got 8 incorrect out of 15 on one section and 5 incorrect out of 12 on the another session.. My point was proven.. studying for the GREs was time consuming, extremely frustrating.  Mom brought it up, if I already submitted my application for masters why did I need to study for my GREs... My ultimate goal is to get in to a masters program (GREs are similar to the SATs.. so I have to pass my GREs before I get into a masters program) I replied to my mom by saying maybe I can try in 2010?! That would be three years of trying to get into a masters program.. maybe if I dont get in this year I should just give up.. so that checks off two off of my list.. 

At lunch, after dad tried to take the GREs, he offered that maybe I should go back to school and get another BA in Sign Language/Deaf Studies... Okay.. I guess I can do that.. Then of course DAD throws in "well we dont know for sure if you got that job so maybe you can go to school (El Camino) for about two weeks until that First Steps calls me and confirms the job. Then drop the classes if/when I get the job... PROBLEM: I have never, ever dropped a class before.. I hate the idea of dropping a class (to me: dropping a class is sort of giving up) 

So... we are back to SQAURE ONE:  going to school and going to work (if I get it) Today has been so frustrating.. and we didnt solve anything.... I still am going to school!!! (Which I dont want to do) I am gonna be so BURNT OUT when I go to grad school, if I get in.

This year, has been a year of LIMBO and it is extremely frustrating.. I want it to be over... I want to be in grad school or have a full time job!!!! GEEZ!

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